On Taking Giant Steps

This week Facebook did that thing where it shows you photos from x number of years ago that were posted on that same day. And this was the photo that was posted:

It was Friday night, and some boys in our ward had just posted about how they wanted to go sledding and wanted people to come. All I remember from this photo is the overwhelming anxiety I had when one of the guys told me to sit in front of him on the sledding train. I kept saying "No, I'm okay" because I really just didn't want to be that close to ANY boy, much less with his legs wrapped around me as I went down the hill! Eventually, I braved up a bit and conceded. And I remember it being one of the funnest Friday nights of college because I did so. I remember being so proud of myself for doing something that seemed so scary at the time. Just from that one night in January, so many "scary" choices became easier, and eventually I went from being afraid of making eye contact with any boy who showed even some interest to being happily married and comfortable. 

But it didn't happen overnight. Making the decision to do scary things felt like an overwhelmingly giant step at the time. It meant actually making eye contact with the guy who sat next to me in class and actually talking to him. I meant giving hugs at the end of first dates instead of high fives. It meant saying "Yes" to first dates, and sitting next to boys on couches. It meant saying yes when a guy in my class wanted to take me home on the back of his scooter (I did say no first, and take a lot of convincing, but eventually I realized I was just being afraid). With each decision to take a step, it got better. And now looking back, each tiny step doesn't feel like it was such a big step at all, but a lot of tiny steps that created a great change. 

I'm glad I shared my struggles with my friends around me who wanted to help me take those steps. Who listened to me when I failed and praised me when I succeeded. Who checked on me when I was sitting comatose in dread on the floor knowing I was going on a date in the next few hours. As I took small steps that felt so so scary at the time, I was always reassured afterwards when nothing went wrong, no one had hurt me, and I actually had fun. I learned to trust in God as I took small steps in the direction I knew he wanted me to go, I was given more power and peace. 

I realize these kind of anxieties are not the same as a lot of people deal with, but my point is, in order to change our perspective/situation/thoughts, we have to change ourselves. As we take those steps to change, Christ consecrates our efforts and gives them a bigger impact than they could if we did it all ourselves. I could sit there any wait for the perfect boy to come around who gave me absolutely zero anxiety, but I might have waited forever. Doing things that scared me made me brave; it made me trust myself and my ability to follow God's counsel better. Because really we do know more than we think we do. God can't create miracles in our lives until we give him a chance, take a step into the dark and know there will be a path waiting to catch our fall. 

My goal for 2016 has been to write down something I did that scared me every day. When I look back at the experiences so far, they don't seem like important things that I've been doing. But each of them have improved my relationships and made me feel more empowered and courageous than I did the day before. And that makes every small step worth it, no matter how giant that step feels today!

The day after I decided to marry Bryce, I cried out of joy because even though getting married used to be my biggest fear in the whole world, I was excited! And most importantly I didn't feel any anxiety at all. That feeling on that day made all of the scary days worth it. 

"My chains are gone, I've been set free,

 My God, my Savior has ransomed me.

And like a flood His mercy reigns,

Unending love, amazing grace."

Helpful things as of lately

I've been really struggling to get back into the groove lately since we only have 3 weeks before christmas break. The hard thing about that though is school hasn't let up. At. All. They've pretty much just thrown us back into the middle of it all. So I've been using this website called Tomato Timer. It sets timers for 25 minutes, an alarm goes off on your computer when your time is up, which is really nice because then I don't have to bring my phone with me when I'm studying, and there isn't a loud alarm going off in the library. After each 25 minute cycle it gives you the option of a 5 or 10 minute break. Using the timer has helped a lot when studying, and also helps me to effectively record how much I've been studying for the day.

I have a hard time studying for more than a few hours at a time, so something else that has been helpful to me is trying to take actual study breaks. That makes me so happy we live in Arizona because it means I can get outside! For lunch today, Bryce and I took our new tortoise, Terry, outside for some sun. Then I usually go for a run for about half an hour everyday as well, and even if I don't run the whole time, having some fresh air really helps to clear my mind before I have to get going with school.

Anyway, schools only a week in but I already feel like I'm dying. It's a little bit overwhelming sometimes going to school everyday knowing I'm not going to know so many things, I'll probably be really terrible at some things, and I am going to have to work really hard to get to understand them. But when I realize I have learned it is always kind of crazy.

Oh, and by the way. I'm studying outside in a shirtsleeve shirt right now. So Arizona was a good decision.

On Being a Morning Person

Truth: Sometimes, I'm an absolute bear in the mornings. I literally feel like sometimes I wake up growling. I didn't know it was a problem until we got married but it's a real thing! Maybe it's because I've never really lived with a morning person, but Bryce can get up right with his alarm and get so many things done, whereas it is so hard for me to get out of bed sometimes, even if I'm not really that tired!

I really want to work harder to utilize my mornings and make them a more useful period of time for myself. I read somewhere that you have to practice getting up right when your alarm goes off, almost like on autopilot. I think when I wake up in the mornings I forget all the things I had planned to do when I went to bed and find reasons I don't have to get up yet, which is a BAD thing!

I'm trying to make goals to wake up first thing when my alarm goes off. I feel like if I can do that one thing then I will feel much more ready to do other hard things throughout the day. If I always accomplish the first thing on my to do list, I feel like that would be a pretty motivating start.

For the most part I feel lost and frustrated on this topic though, so any recommendations, I'll take them!

New Recipes

I don't know if you're like me, but I am much more excited to make dinner when I'm making something to be excited about. These past few weeks we have been trying a lot of new recipes, and it has been a great break in our day and way to spend time together. Here's a list of the ones we liked.

One Pan Ranch Chicken and Veggies

I don't think I ever really appreciated chicken thighs until making this recipe. And it was SO easy. I had to study so I sent Bryce home to make it, and he had no problems at all. The only hard part was chopping up the vegetables he said. Couple modifications we made: line the pan with foil before because it makes clean up a LOT easier. We also steamed the potatoes in the microwave a big first before cooking them. They best part about this was we could really just dump all the vegetables we had on the pan with it for an easy lunch and dinner. 

Spinach and White Bean Soup

I get kind of sick of having tomato based soups so often, but I don't like adding so much cheese or cream to them either, so this soup was a nice alternative. We just used regular sausage similar that you can grill like hamburger and doubled the vegetables (which is pretty normal for us). It was so warm and cozy tasting, and seeing as Bryce had just gotten braces on it kept him fed for a few days. 

Zucchini Meatballs

We've made these a few times actually. And the best part is you can really throw whatever you want in them. We double the veggies and add carrots when we make these, and use either ground turkey or ground beff. This time we also tried Prego's Vodka sauce and it was delicious! I know the recipe calls for fresh basil but usually we use dried and it turns out great. 

Spicy Cauliflower Soup

We're going to probably make this one this week. I'll probably substitute the coconut milk in this recipe for half and half or something but I love cauliflower soup because it tastes so warm and creamy without adding a lot of dairy products

More Common Occurances

Things that have changed:

- Any plans we make for any weekend are usually changed by the time that weekend comes because I'm too scared to do anything taking up for than 1.5 hours in fear of hurting my grades. It's a real thing. I don't think we've followed through on any "all day" type plans in months

- Self diagnosing myself with whatever disease we're discussing is a real thing. There was a moment this week where I had the 100% thought of "what if I have HIV?!", but I've also had Restless leg syndrome, Hypothyroidism, Diabetes, and ADHD (the more common concern of mine) in the past few weeks.

- I'm going to MEXICO! I'm so excited! We will be going on a mission trip to Chihuahua to help people down there to have eye exams and giving out glasses. I am so excited but also sad because I have never been away from Bryce for that long. But we figure, it's a once in a lifetime experience that I can't pass up! So I'm going! Ahh!

- Date night Thursday's are a real thing. We get so burned out by Thursday that Bryce usually watches a movie for a pit while I casually work on my Methods lab and we cuddle. Thursday's are the best.

- I've learned that it's not as hard to take a part of your life you don't like, throw it out and move on as most people make it seem. A few weeks ago Bryce and I were talking about a friend who I just never was happy with whenever I talked to them, so I deleted that person from my phone and never looked back. And I am SO MUCH happier without that friendship. It was amazing to me, I feel like I get caught thinking I'm stuck with some of the things or situations that bother me, but I really do have the power to act and make changes, make my life happier. I want to remember that in the future.

- This whole "inactivity" thing is really getting to me. I feel so tired and don't want to leave my house to workout once I get home, and the stress and sitting in class all day but not walking very far make me just feel blah so if anyone has any suggestions for that I'm all ears.

Also, we never take pictures because we never have any reason to. People ask me all the time "How's school?" and the problem is, there isn't really an answer to that. So please, if you see me or talk to me, ask something else! Ask me if I had a good day or how happy I am that day or what I'm stressed about because chances are I have something to say, but the mention of the word "school" just makes my brain go numb.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I find Bryce saying nicer than the average person things about Taylor Swift and I think he's kidding, and then I just realize I married the most perfect man alive.

Today