This week Facebook did that thing where it shows you photos from x number of years ago that were posted on that same day. And this was the photo that was posted:
It was Friday night, and some boys in our ward had just posted about how they wanted to go sledding and wanted people to come. All I remember from this photo is the overwhelming anxiety I had when one of the guys told me to sit in front of him on the sledding train. I kept saying "No, I'm okay" because I really just didn't want to be that close to ANY boy, much less with his legs wrapped around me as I went down the hill! Eventually, I braved up a bit and conceded. And I remember it being one of the funnest Friday nights of college because I did so. I remember being so proud of myself for doing something that seemed so scary at the time. Just from that one night in January, so many "scary" choices became easier, and eventually I went from being afraid of making eye contact with any boy who showed even some interest to being happily married and comfortable.
But it didn't happen overnight. Making the decision to do scary things felt like an overwhelmingly giant step at the time. It meant actually making eye contact with the guy who sat next to me in class and actually talking to him. I meant giving hugs at the end of first dates instead of high fives. It meant saying "Yes" to first dates, and sitting next to boys on couches. It meant saying yes when a guy in my class wanted to take me home on the back of his scooter (I did say no first, and take a lot of convincing, but eventually I realized I was just being afraid). With each decision to take a step, it got better. And now looking back, each tiny step doesn't feel like it was such a big step at all, but a lot of tiny steps that created a great change.
I'm glad I shared my struggles with my friends around me who wanted to help me take those steps. Who listened to me when I failed and praised me when I succeeded. Who checked on me when I was sitting comatose in dread on the floor knowing I was going on a date in the next few hours. As I took small steps that felt so so scary at the time, I was always reassured afterwards when nothing went wrong, no one had hurt me, and I actually had fun. I learned to trust in God as I took small steps in the direction I knew he wanted me to go, I was given more power and peace.
I realize these kind of anxieties are not the same as a lot of people deal with, but my point is, in order to change our perspective/situation/thoughts, we have to change ourselves. As we take those steps to change, Christ consecrates our efforts and gives them a bigger impact than they could if we did it all ourselves. I could sit there any wait for the perfect boy to come around who gave me absolutely zero anxiety, but I might have waited forever. Doing things that scared me made me brave; it made me trust myself and my ability to follow God's counsel better. Because really we do know more than we think we do. God can't create miracles in our lives until we give him a chance, take a step into the dark and know there will be a path waiting to catch our fall.
My goal for 2016 has been to write down something I did that scared me every day. When I look back at the experiences so far, they don't seem like important things that I've been doing. But each of them have improved my relationships and made me feel more empowered and courageous than I did the day before. And that makes every small step worth it, no matter how giant that step feels today!
The day after I decided to marry Bryce, I cried out of joy because even though getting married used to be my biggest fear in the whole world, I was excited! And most importantly I didn't feel any anxiety at all. That feeling on that day made all of the scary days worth it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free,
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy reigns,
Unending love, amazing grace."
